With Mystic H.P. Lovecraft

Aries (Mar 21 – April 19)
You will be gripped with a new found sense of determination and purpose after discovering your grandfather’s journal in a hidden compartment in the desk you inherited from him.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)
It’s always important to pay attention to one’s dreams, especially when they keep featuring the same hideous, old, crone and and certain sinister rituals.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)
This week would be a very good time to invest in several large rat-traps and plenty of borax. Be prepared for some minor drama at the office this week.

Cancer (June 23 – Jul 23)
Nobody likes a half done job. Remember that fire is the great cleanser and that regular bullets will only make it more angry.

Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)
You will bump into a long lost love in the most unexpected of places. Don’t go into the water.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)
A shocking discovery will cause you to reassess your fondness for processed meat products.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
Shoddy workmanship will come back to haunt you as the sound coming from the central heating pipes begin to more and more resemble the pleas of that plumber who disappeared a year ago, leaving all his tools and a half done job behind.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Certain long simmering family feuds will suddenly reach a boiling point after a certain estranged uncle shows up with a newly acquired fortune and a pair of gills.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Late fees will be the least of your concern after you borrow a certain book from a certain library without permission.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Early January is never a good time to consider getting work done in the garden, especially considering what’s buried under the patio.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Mu 19)
Now is the perfect time to get that mildew in the spare room sorted out. Best to just get it over and done with as soon as possible, preferably before it infects a family member’s brain.

Odekeranth (Mu 20 – Feb 19)
All proceeds as has been ordained by That Which Has No Name.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
The initial elation you feel after finding a correct proof for the Riemann Hypothesis is short lived after the precise ramifications are made clear to you by someone you incorrectly thought was either a vagrant or lunatic.