Insult of the day (A spindlegrin offshoot)(no goats)

Please excuse me for not having issued any of my
regular series of insults for some time, but frankly,
this whole world domination thing is quite a drain on
my schedule. Besides which, who are you to complain?
I’m the Emperor of the Galaxy, and you are but an
incoherent rabble of bald apes that should just be
glad that I haven’t reduced your puny planet to a heap
of dust flying through space at relativistic speeds.

Anyhoo, I have had a recent run in with your planet’s
“NTL” that has resulted in them being included in my
“Libri Nigri”

To make a long story short, about a month ago, I was
without television for the whole weekend. After twelve
hours or so I called the complaints wench only to be
greeted by the most stupid Artificial Intelligence
that I have yet encountered. It informed me that there
were “Breakdowns in the following areas…” and
proceeded to list off a series of locations that
included mine. I was reasonably satisfied and went
back to occupying myself with teaching General Yatluf
to play chess. This of course was probably the most
futile exercise of my life* and I need not go into any
real detail other than to mention that I spent three
whole hours trying to stop the fool from “Defending”
me by attempting suicide whenever my back is turned.
Still at least he hasn’t teamed up with the rebel
alliance as yet so I will excuse his display of
misplaced loyalty.

After a few hours of this nonsense I phoned up NTL
once more, only to have the AI play some God awful
sound down the phone at me that I can only presume is
it’s interpretation of music, possibly an Enya track
(Enya is already on my revenge list). For about one of
your Earth Hours I was “entertained” by this
over-produced-pseudo-samplitude. Then I had the
honour of being eventually serviced by an actual
complaints wench. She told me that the cable had been
fixed in my area but that she would send a technician
around anyway.

I stood patiently at the door for the next six hours.
Waiting for said technician, taking the time only to
check periodically that the coaxial cable had not
fallen out the back of the television (it had not). I
also made sure to check that the reception was not
being affected by that bloody Tesla multiplier of
Hintergeist’s, (The multiplier was off and Hintergeist
was passed out over a vacuum pump with a syringe
sticking out of his arm. Strange fellow).

Eventually I went to bed.

The next day was similar except that at 8:00 I was
told that the workmen had given up for the evening and
gone home. This prompted the following insult from me:

“You, skag whore, are but a tapeworm languishing
within the bowels of a thirteen year old syphilitic
mongrel of a dog!”

The weekend was not a total loss, I had a few laughs,
stared at the wall rather a lot, hallucinated a bit,
made Hintergeist and Yatluf fight each other for the
last slice of cheese……. But in the end, what angers me
most is that I missed that weekend’s episode of Lexx.
Lexx may be wildly inaccurate, after all, the
insectoid ships don’t even eat time or shoot flamingos
into the bellies of the Crawterghasts like in real
life. However it does feature the lovely Eva
Habermann who will be one of the few of your earth
females that won’t be used as incubators for breeding
shock troops.

His Resplendence, The Blood-Emperor Foombrood Kroag
VI. Ph.D.(Tyranny)

*Once when I was visiting the planet of Klorplax
XXIII, the king bet me his first born daughter against
me ending the occupation of his planet that I could
not, by means of an order, stop the tide from coming
in.

He thought that my attempt was futile, until I ordered
that all the planets children be culled unless every
man, woman and child report to the coast with hair
dryers and one hell of a lot of straws. You should
have seen his face. (His daughter was delicious by
the way).

(C)loki 2001 and some bits (C)Barry 2001
loki@spindlegrin.com
barry@spindlegrin.com